HOW I EMBRACED DRY JANUARY IN THE MIDST OF A FLOOD: A RETROSPECTIVE INTO MY JOURNEY FINAL PART: PLAY IT FORWARD

I GUESS I’M WHAT SOME WOULD CALL A GREY AREA DRINKER : I DON’T SIP FROM A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG ON A PARK BENCH (THOUGH I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO SMUGGLE WINE INTO A CONCERT IN A WATER BOTTLE) BUT I DO DRINK EVERY NIGHT “TO RELAX”, “TO DE-STRESS” , “TO SOCIALISE” .

MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WOULD SOMETIMES SUGGEST I MODERATE MY DRINKING BUT I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD A PROBLEM: I HAVE WILLPOWER I CAN STOP ANYTIME! WELL HERE WE GO -TIME TO PUT THAT STATEMENT INTO PRACTICE - JANUARY 2023 AND I’M GOING TO DO DRY JANUARY! DOES IT GO ACCORDING TO PLAN: WELL NOT REALLY ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS! HERE IS THE FINAL PART OF MY JOURNEY TO DETOX AND RESET

1. TRIGGER HAPPY

WEEK 3 brings with it challenges. I have become complacent, not concentrating on the task in hand! And the wine witch knows - she has me on speed dial, she knows when I am vulnerable, she knows just what to say. We had been bosom pals for so many years, she’d slipped her poison surreptitiously into suitcases, dragged me round late night train stations in search of her toxic liquid, held my hand steady as I uncorked that much needed extra pick-me-up. I’d sent her off but she clearly hasn’t got the memo because here at the start of WEEK 3 she appears, disheveled, resentful (I’d sent her away after all) and woeful. She catches me off guard - her pitiful pleas are working their magic (What’s the point in this? I’m your only real friend, we had such fun together.. ). A glass of deep velvety red wine really does suddenly seem like such a lovely idea! But what has triggered her to reappear out of the blue? I am certainly stressed, we are no longer flooded but the aftermath is quite overwhelming. I am bored, without a doubt, the evenings are long and dark and I’m struggling to find a replacement for drinking in the evening. And triggers cause cravings which in turn produce happy hormones (more about those later) which make you crave even more until it becomes an itch you just have to scratch.

What are the main triggers for most of us? Well, triggers can be environmental, mental, emotional or social. Stress unsurprisingly comes in at number 1 on the list as the biggest alcohol (relapse) trigger. A lot of stress is minor and we dont really consider its impact. Next on this list is HALT (who doesn’t love an an acronym?): hungry, angry, lonely or tired - these are all emotional needs that if they’re not met can lead to cravings for alcohol, in fact our emotions get some pretty harsh press when it comes to addictions: even positive emotions can cause relapse especially if you are overconfident and overestimate your ability to cope (hmmm .. gets me thinking). Social isolation is a big trigger (the friendly Wine Witch and her unconditional loyalty) but also being surrounded by people at social events: it’s difficult to abstain when everyone around you is enthusiastically drowning themselves in prosecco. Another big trigger is reminiscing over events where you drank: a photo in a bar in Venice, a conversation about a tour of a vineyard. Triggers are everywhere: they always will be, its seeing them, knowing them for what they are and having a strategy to kick them into touch. Unless we live a life of bubble wrapped safety we need to see them for what they are, triggers, easy to control if we put down the gun and walk away. Begone Wine Witch, your time is up!

2 DOPAMINE PUNCHES AND THE UNEXPECTED JOY OF BEING SOBER

WEEK 3 has been about finding small moments of joy and happiness in life to replace the big kicks that alcohol brought. And do you know what? Sobriety is the World’s biggest secret - we actually don’t need alcohol to be happy and the added bonus is that we remember everything we do. My first real test is a meal out with hubby and 2 of my children. I make it as easy as I can, duty driver, Thai restaurant not Italian (red wine obligatory), day my daughter is “on call” so not drinking either. Well it starts badly: hubby decides to be in charge of directions and decided that every B-road in the area, every “shortcut”, every twist and turn need to be included in the drive so by the time I get there I am stressed beyond compare! Do I want a large glass of wine? Damn no.. I want five! Do I drink though? No! instead I have a great night, good food, amazing company, lots of laughs then a drive home (my way) and get up without a hangover and remembering every minute!

So why does the stress make me immediately crave a drink? There’s a lot of science behind why people drink: contrary to popular belief there is no such thing as an addictive personality. In fact its much much simpler than that. Occam’s razor is a great philosophical tool that effectively slices through all the superfluous theories and cuts to the chase: Popularly, the principle is paraphrased as ‘The simplest explanation is usually the best one’. And where alcohol is concerned the simple explanation is that alcohol is highly addictive! Alcohol is in fact more addictive than every other drug available legally or illegally apart from heroin or cocaine. And exactly like any other drug our tolerance increases over time so we crave more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect. And like any addictive substance certain things trigger the craving. Stress, as you read earlier, is one of the biggest, most forceful triggers with alcohol. So why is that? Well the simple answer, the Occam’s razor answer, is it messes with our neurotransmitters. But what exactly does that mean? Alcohol is both a depressant and a stimulant - are you starting to see the issue? On the one hand it increases the effects of GABA which initially takes away our stress and anxiety but, sadly, excess GABA also a depressor, it makes us slur our speech and fall off fridge-freezers (don’t ask!) . On the other hand alcohol is a stimulant, it floods our body with dopamine, in the brain’s reward centre, that makes us feel happy, connected, forgetting our problems and stress, but at the same time excess dopamine takes away our focus even though at the time we would dispute it, hence why drunk people get behind the wheel of a car. Alcohol is a charlatan as well as a witch - it tricks our brain into thinking we feel great so we drink more (if I feel great with one glass, then five will make me feel immense wont it? ) Unfortunately over time the more we drink the less we feel the dopamine effect and the more we need to kick start it. Even on a single night out there is a sweet spot for alcohol consumption and after that its all downhill: our body goes into overload trying to neutralise the poison and we end up feeling low, upset or just throw up.

So, It’s all about swapping out those dopamine punches. Gone for me are the rollercoaster rides of big big highs and wipe out lows, replaced by a series of smaller gentle dopamine tickles: nights out with family, walks on the beach, days exploring a new city, those natural highs that make out lives sing and our senses come alive.

3 ALCOHOL MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER UNTIL IT MAKES IT WORSE

Looking back through photos I can see that the Wine Witch and I had some really great times. She wasn’t always the Wicked Wine Witch of the West, sometimes she was the Mollie Weasley Wine Witch: she mothered me and made me feel loved, connected, she enjoyed family holidays, festivals and parties or she was Serafina Pekkala, with me in those times of calm and quiet, enjoying the sunset, a book in the garden or an evening at a restaurant or in a Parisian wine bar. And she made it better, more fun, more calm, more relaxed, more, well just more! But she changed. She became more demanding, more persistent, more needy. She nagged me and tormented me, dragging me along with her as she sunk lower into the abyss. She wouldn't leave me alone, came earlier in the day, stayed longer, wouldn’t let me go out, wanting me all to herself. She made deals with me: she’d let me go out tomorrow if I spent the evening with her today, she’d let me drink less on an evening out as long as I met her later for a nightcap. Some days I’d spend all day arguing with her, or else plotting with her: how might we change the arrangements to spend more time together; how could we hide her very existence from everyone else? She stopped pretending to be Mollie Weasley or gentle Serafina and became Bellatrix Lestrange, strangling me slowly with her velvet gloves whilst all the time stroking my hair and telling me in her soothing voice how much she loved me, how we couldn’t live without each other.

The realisation is hitting me that alcohol was doing me no favours. It wasn’t killing me, it wasn’t even, on the surface, stopping me function but it was little by little taking away my autonomy, my control, my life. I hadn’t noticed to be honest. Annie Grace likens it to flying into a pitcher plant. The pitcher plant is carnivorous, with a deep jug like structure, it entices insects in for its sweet tasting nectar but once settled on the slippery slope the only way is down. Down at the bottom the insects are stuck unless someone throws them a rope before they get dissolved by the plants digestive juices. But even then they have to take the rope. Thats the hardest thing, intoxicated by the glorious nectar the insect doesn’t realise its dying until it’s too late. it doesn’t want to take the rope or doesn’t see it. My rope was actually there the whole time: Witchy had cast her spell and made it invisible, but deep down I knew it was there and it was strong enough to climb.

4 GOODBYE MY FRIEND

With WEEK 4 comes the realisation that life isn’t a continuous pink cloud (see WEEK 2) but equally it really isn’t bad at all without alcohol. I feel a bit of a rebel: I am that strong, powerful woman who doesn’t need the crutch of alcohol to prop her up, who can and does say NO, who can still be the life and soul but is doing it without the fake confidence from booze. I am me. And I actually find I quite like me. Is it plain sailing? No its ******* (insert own expletive) hard. Every day brings challenges and doubts.

And there is a lot that I miss about Drunk Ellie. She had a great social life: there were so many places to go, so many events, so many opportunities to socialise: she had lots of friends, in fact everyone she met was her friend. She had the best ever hobby: drinking. Wine even had its own language, a code for aficionados, there were spaces set up specifically in which to learn about it (in her nearest town there’s a DIY wine bar .. she could help herself from an optic, no need to queue at the bar, and pay up at the end!) and the club was open to anyone. Drunk Ellie could be whomsoever she liked: she could be funny, she could amuse people, (even if sometimes they did tell her to shut up) she could be narrator with stories to tell, (loudly) songs to sing, (even more loudly), teacher with fun facts to tell (often pretty randomly and incoherently). I miss that Ellie, she was confident and loved being the centre of attention. Is she still here? I’m searching and its looking positive. And then there was the drama: Drunk Ellie courted drama wherever she went. It was certainly never boring: what’s the point in doing anything if you’re not burning the bridges behind you, arguing, crying, risking life and limb. Do I miss that Ellie? Certainly not the next day fall out, that I don’t miss one bit. But a little tiny bit of drama - well, maybe!

I had a lot of adventures that would not have been the same or even happened without the booze and Non, je ne regrette rien ( well almost rien) . But would I go back? No way, kickass sober rebel I plan to remain! Goodbye my friend, you have been the one, but I CAN live without you.

5 KINTSUGI - THE BROKEN PIECES ARE WHAT MAKE US BEAUTIFUL

DAY 31 and I’ve made the choice. I’m done with alcohol, its done with me. I survived Dry January and it has taught me that surviving in a life controlled by alcohol was the bigger challenge. I cannot say (until I lay me down to die) that it will be a forever choice but I hope, as a gift for my children, my family, and also for me, that it is one I keep choosing. I know for me that moderation is not possible, I suspect one drink would push me back into the arms of the Wine Witch (she's still there in the shadows) So if you are reading this and thinking of giving Dry January, Sober October, No for November, whatever, a go, then I urge you to at least try. It doesn’t have to be forever, but a detox does no one any harm now and again: its good for the body but even better for the soul.

There is a lot of me to rediscover but I am embracing the concept of Kintsugi - that it is the broken pieces that make us beautiful. I have a history, I am flawed, but it is through the cracks that the light flows in. I am putting myself back together one piece at a time, one day at a time, and the whole will be stronger in the end. This, my journey, is my gift to you: I play it forward in the spirit of recovery ❤️